Wow. I really am in a strange place. Ever since my surgery I’ve really been in this odd depressed state. I’m not that bad with this cloud hanging over my head, but I’m not being who I want to be at all. I’m way less productive and I’m questioning everything all the time.

I started taking some SSRI’s about a month ago and I’m not sure I’m happy with them at all. In general I hate taking any drugs because I really don’t like side effects. So far these pills are mostly benign but I do know I’m on them. I can feel it. My muscles are a bit more tense and I have this need to stretch them out and jitter a bit. My sleep is way off, I’m lighter when asleep so I wake up at least once a night. I often feel a bit speedy but not enough to really have it make me crazy.. just enough to feel like I’m on something and it needs to turn off now… please.. And I’m fatigued often. I find myself closing my eyes and sighing and just wanting to go to sleep wherever I am.

But I’m sticking it out for now. Maybe another month. We’ll see.

The problem lately is that I continually find myself doing absolutely nothing. I sit at work sometimes and find myself blowing 15-20 minutes at a time just clicking from tab to tab on my web browser or staring at my desk in space. Is this the drugs? Is this just me being bored and unhappy at work? Who knows anymore, but it’s really depressing me because I like to be productive. I like to feel like I did more than just earning my pay.

UUUUGH. I need to get back to being the person I know I am. This is so fucking annoying.

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