Went on a little voyage today that normally I would have been just manic about. I went on a 2 hour trip on an old oyster schooner. It had a crew of 12 that have been on her since April and we sailed the Delaware. As a passenger my job was to help hoist the sails and then to wander around on deck enjoying the trip. For me, someone who loves sailing and being on the water and boats in general, this is something that I would have loved. I’d be all over, checking things out, talking to the crew, observing the little details all the tourist crew wasn’t seeing, etc.

Instead, I spent the entire time trying to manage the pain in my leg. Every time I tried to sit or lean on something I had my old pain down my left leg so I had to immediately stand up and try to make it go away. The frustration was intense and of course it severely limited my fun.

So, overall since my 2nd surgery I have been healing up and trying to move past this sad chapter in life. But last wednesday after squatting down to pick something up I felt a familiar sensation in my leg. It was my old shooting psiatic pain. Same places, same intensity. This lasted for 5 days until Monday morning when I went to visit one of my doctors. (of course).

Doctor said essentially that this kind of thing is normal. Maybe it was some scarring, or something moved around, but I’ve nothing to worry about, it’s all part of the healing process. It’s been 5 weeks since my second surgery. I left feeling reassured a tiny bit. Since then the pain has been non-existant. Even today at work, no problems, but of course as soon as I stepped on the boat it was back. Now, at home, it’s mostly gone.

So what gives? I have stopped trying to determine causality. Yes, today I went back to some of my perscribed PT stretches (I’d stopped on Saturday) but that’s just on theorey. It could be I was wearing my sandles instead of my sneakers. It could be the increased humidity from the water. Who the fuck knows anymore?

It’s this process of healing and not healing, wondering if I’m injured again that has pretty much pushed me into a pretty severe depression. My house (usually spotless and well organized) is a disaster area. I didn’t even bother to take out my trash today. Apparently I’ve lost a lot of weight (says about everyone I know). I don’t eat much anymore. I’m just so unmotivated. I’m on the fence about the PT too (which is supposed to aid in the healing).

I need this to be over. I need to be able to say “yes, it sucked but I made it through and now I’m whole again”. But it’s not. If I’ve injured myself again there’s another 2-4 months of hell ahead and a couple of more scars on my body. I don’t know.. whatever.

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